"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited."
{sylvia plath}

{pic; papertissue.tumblr.com}

A feeling I almost forgot.

Content (con-tent): adj. In a state of peaceful happiness.

That is how I felt today. Just perfectly content.
It was kind of a great day.
I worked a super early shift at work today and was home by ten am. So of course I slept for a couple hours, which was lovely.
I cleaned my pig-sty of a room... Seriously I had a tiny trail that led from my bed to my closet to the door. And now it is spotless. And my laundry is done- which is a miracle. I started packing for my California trip- just 3 days and I will be sitting on the beach... contemplating whether to come back home or not ;)
I put some pictures and some of my old paintings and drawings and other artwork up on my bedroom wall. I pulled out my sketch book so I can start drawing again. I look forward to that. And I also can't wait until I get my new camera so I can fill up my bedroom with more photography.
I painted this lovely quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower on my wall...

"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

Then I just jammed on the guitar for a little bit.

I didn't get as much homework done as I would have liked.. but I'm actually okay with that. I think I really needed some time away from everything and everyone and just some time to zone out on everything. It was really nice to just have a day to myself and feel really productive in a personal-good-for-my-soul kind of way. And I got to do things that I love that I haven't done in a while. I haven't really been out much lately anyway, but today I got to take some time for me.

And it turns out, I'm not such bad company.

Special Moments.

So, today I went over to my Grandma’s house… And she just loves to tell stories and find old pictures and anything like that. And I love listening to it. Well, today my Grandma, my cousin, and I were looking through my g-ma’s jewelry. And she has necklaces and earrings and such that belonged to her Mom… so these things are like.. freakin old.. like at least mid-1900’s old.. And so rad! So vintage and awesome. Well, she let my cousin and I have some of the jewelry! So I got a few necklaces that are about 3 generations old. And some old earrings from like the 70’s and 80’s that my G-ma used to wear. Coolest. Thing. Ever. She loved seeing us wear them. And it was the most awesome moment. Because these aren’t just cute pieces of jewelry that I bought at the store. They actually mean something to me, and I’ll always have that memory of today and the thought that this jewelry belonged to my family. People who are apart of me. It really was the coolest feeling.

Seriously, though...

"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won’t tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn’t change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have."

{Stephen Chbosky;The Perks of Being a Wallflower}

You know, everybody goes through their own shiz in life. And it sucks. And maybe somebody else does have it much worse than you, or maybe it's not even the worst thing you've ever gone through... but its still hard, and it doesn't change the fact that you're struggling. So whenever someone confides in you, or tells you they're having a rough time, don't make it about yourself.. Don't say things like, "well at least you're not blah, blah, blah..." or "it could be worse." 'Cause guess what, we know it could be worse. And that it probably will be worse. But right now it sucks. So, maybe just don't say anything. 'Cause most of the time people don't need crap "advice," they just need to let it all out. Just listen and be a friend.

I could maybe live there.

Just got back from my week long trip from Oregon :)
It was lovely.
We walked around Portland and saw all its crazy goodness for about 3 days.
Then went and stayed in the lovely Eugene for the remainder of our trip.
And it was beautiful! It was a great time... Unfortunately I had to come back.

My first plane ride...

Portland.

Portland Saturday Market

Eugene.

The coast! :)

Riding bikes on thee river.

I may want to live there ;)

just some thoughts I've been thinking

Just gonna throw it out there that sometimes I just do not like living in Utah. It's like we're in this freaking bubble. A bubble where if you don't go to church every Sunday or do a certain thing or look or act a certain "appropriate" way, you'll be judged for it. Yes, I am Mormon. No, I do not go to church every Sunday and honestly haven't been in months. And yes, I have some issues with the church. That doesn't mean I don't believe in or love our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I do believe God is up there listening to our prayers and that he gives us trials and blessings. I say my prayers, I have morals and standards- maybe I like to cuss a little much... But I think being spiritual is more important than being religious. Because you can be one with out being the other.
I believe that being compassionate and loving and respectful of others and selfless and non-judgemental and trying to be a genuinely good person, serving others, and doing your best... having a good heart.. is more important than living up to this "appropriate image." I know people with peircings and tattoos who smoke cigarettes too and I honestly think are the sweetest people in the world. Doing things like that doesn't make someone a bad person. There's certainly more important things to be focusing on than sitting around judging people. We are in no place to judge anyone. We don't know their situation and life experiences.. We don't know what's in their heart. Have an open mind. I mean really, to each their own, but I think life should be a little more about love and peace and humanity.

5 days...

And I'm off to see my bestie in Oregon. Aaaand I'm beyond freaking excited. I never just go off to places just because I want to.. and I've never been on a plane before.. So, it's kind of a big deal. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna love it.. "its full of hippies and beards and beer" she says. I think I might belong there [minus the beers].

Hooray for doing something I wanna do and not finding every excuse not to go.

the place where i feel most like me;

Meg & Dia. You know my life.

I'd like to think I don't have roots yet, 

Still some traveling in me. 

Should have worn back packs through Europe, 

Back when I turned 23. 

There's still Ireland and the Orients and Temples, I'm sure. 

Places you go, to learn who you are.

I've got to keep looking

And someday I'll be in the place where I feel most like me.

I could be cooking in Paris and needing nobody at all. 

I could move back to my hometown, 

Meet a good man and we'd fall in love.

We'd have family and birthdays and cars, 

Never concerned about who we are. 

A life that's so stable and nice, 

could it be a place where I feel most like me?

I can't help wishing I could stay right here, 

Not moving, not rushing, just breathing in air,

Not thinking, not worrying, just look to the sea, 

The place where I feel most like me.

Molding the minds of the future of America...

So, I got accepted into the Elementary Ed program.. And I'm super duper excited. But I have to admit I'm scared... I mean this is legit now. There's no going back. (Which makes me realize I may have commitment issues). I mean, I'm sure I love it. I'm like Peter Pan, the kid who never grew up. And I love kids and the idea of being a teacher makes me really happy. I realize its going to be A LOT of hard work. That's all they tell you in the El. Ed. classes so I'm not going into this blindly. But its scary.. What if I end up not liking it? Or what if I'm not a good teacher?? I'll be influencing these little kids lives.. maybe. Who knows, maybe I won't have any influence at all. And then there's the fact that I'm actually starting to feel like a grown up.. I mean I'm 2 years away from my career. I'm done with generals.. this is it. And I'll be 21 in May.. ugh. I'm freakin out. Oh well, let's just hope for the best...

My Quest.

I'm the type of person who likes to be comfortable. I don't like change. And I'm definitely not a risk taker. But I'm definitely trying to take more risks, and it's working out for me so far. Right now I'm mostly just trying to work on living in the present, not thinking about what I would've done differently in the past and not fretting about the future, just being here and now in the present so I don't miss anything. And enjoying the little things seriously makes a HUGE difference. Still got a long ways to go though, it's hard leaving your comfort zone. Baby steps, baby steps.

Family;

I just wanna take a minute and say how much I love my family and am so blessed to have them. We've been dealing with a lot of things lately and I'm glad we have each other. I wanna give a shout-out to my beautiful, strong, loving, wonderful, emotional (especially right now), at times crazy, extremely inappropriate, loud, funny, extremely caring and giving, gorgeous Momma. I feel like through half of that I was describing myself. [especially the "crazy" and "loud" part]. But I'm accepting that maaaayyyybe it isn't such a bad thing I'm like my mother. Maybe. ;)

                    Also, to my little brother Steven. We had to say goodbye to him for 4 months today. He's joined the Army National Guard and is leaving today to go to basic training in South Carolina. It was really really hard to say goodbye {even if he is a little $#!+ sometimes). I'm so proud of him and the young man he has grown up to be and for his choice to join the Guard and defend our country and freedom (even if it was hard for all of us to accept :P).
My poor mother has been having a breakdown, but she and the rest of us are so incredibly proud of him. Love you Steven, I'll miss you, be safe and I'll see you in June.

<3

wove. twue wove..

which bwings us together today.

My best friend got married today.
It was so surreal! I still think of us as two fifteen year olds...
obsessing over McFly and dreaming of being done with high school..
It was beautiful.
She was beautiful.
And I wish her all the happiness in the world.
To Haylie & Alex.

I'm feeling ridiculously inspired.

"Changes, I've never been good with change..."

And oh boy,  A LOT is changing. My friends are now in serious relationships, getting married or even having babies, or have moved away to be closer to their job. And I'm so incredibly happy for them :) It's just kind of hit me that they don't really need me anymore- I don't mean that in a "wah-cry-baby-nobody-likes-me" kind of way- they have just gone on their own paths and there's other priorites in their lives. Because that is just the way life goes, and I accept that.  I'm just the type of person who loves feeling needed. And I suck with change. So, I'm finding that I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I just kind of feel like I'm at a stand still, with only work and school going on and everyone else is moving on to the next step in their lives.

So, after weeks of feeling down and depressed and having anxiety over all the new crazy things going on, I'm beginning to think a little more clearly and I have declared that it is Chelsey time!

I need to work on myself. Do things that I like and expand my horizons.

I'm going to take the time to exercise more.. 'cause it makes me feel good!

I want to paint and draw again and take more pictures and appreciate little things everyday that make me smile.

I want to sing karaoke and do crazy, spontaneous things I've never done before and make a fool of myself.

I want to go on road trips. Go to museums and other nifty places. I want to read more.

I want to make mistakes and learn from life experiences.

I'd like to make new friends and meet new boys. Go on dates. If I find someone and fall in love, great. But if not, that's great too!

And even if my friends are starting these new, exciting lives.. they'll still always be a huge part of my life :) I have amazing people in my life.

I realize a lot of this is probably just talk, but I have reached a point where I'm ready to make the things I want happen. I mean, this is the only life I get.

And I want to always make the best of my situation in life, whatever it may be.

And I'm pretty freakin' excited.